It’s good to talk. Isn’t it?

I used to have a client – an occupational psychologist – who beneath his email signature, wrote the immortal line: “Email is great but a real conversation can fix something now.  Just pick up the phone…”  He even included his actual phone numbers.

I don’t know how many people called him.  Probably not very many, because having real conversations has gone the way of the dinosaurs.  People seem afraid to “just pick up the phone…” in the first place.  When they do, the people they call don’t want to talk to them.

Part of my job involves occasionally calling people.  Most of the time, I’ll leave a message on their voicemails, and they’ll email me back later.

I tried calling my local theatre recently, because I needed to know what time a show I’d booked would start.  “We are currently experiencing an exceptionally high number of calls,” went a recorded voice, in a tone you might use to announce a death in the family. “Sadly, this is resulting in longer wait times.  You may wish to use our website to find the information you need.”

I’d already looked on their website and the information I needed wasn’t there, so I held on.  But not for long.  The theatre sadly had to “disconnect this call, so we can deal with the many other callers we currently have to help.  Goodbye.”

Why was such an “exceptionally high number” of people ringing my local theatre at 12pm on a Wednesday?  As Toyah Willcox once sang, it’s a mystery.  But I filled out their online enquiry form instead, and got a written response three hours later.  The whole thing struck me as a tad labour-intensive, for me and for them.

My husband then tried to make a doctor’s appointment; something he had to do online because you’re not allowed to call the surgery anymore.  He selected the wrong date by accident and couldn’t change it on the website.  A recorded voice on the phone told him to “log in tomorrow and try again.”  The appointment was for tomorrow.

In other news, I asked a chatbot about a problem with my broadband, which it couldn’t solve.  Getting through to an actual person meant navigating their labyrinthine telephone system, which was draped with the aural equivalent of barbed wire.

“Are you sure our chatbot can’t help?” (Yes). “Have you tried our online Help pages to find a solution to your issue?” (Yes). “Have you asked our online community for their suggestions?” (No, but… why?).  “We are experiencing a large volume of calls…” (that old chestnut!) “…so you may be on hold for some time.”

(The companies that don’t like people to call seem to experience an excessively high number of them anyway, all the time.  You’d think that might tell them something!).

Two hours later, the broadband issue wasn’t solved.  I ended up cancelling our contract.  It was a simple issue that a simple call could have sorted out.

I’m a hypocrite, really, because I’ve deleted my phone number from my own website.  If you want to talk to me about writing or mentoring, you’ll have to email me. 

In fairness, I did that because I kept getting strange calls from SEO ‘gurus’ and bots.  I also got time-wasting WhatsApps on evenings and weekends, and sometimes evenings on weekends.

I’ll always prefer a call to an email, though.  Calls are… well, they’re human. I like the unpredictability of real conversations.  Example: I once witnessed what began as a terse exchange between two men on the train (one had his feet on the seats).  It turned into a blustering apology, then an exhausted chat about how bad both of their days had been.  It ended with them arranging to meet for a drink.

My career started in a call centre, back in the ‘90s when companies used real people to answer the phone, script-free and with no internet to search for answers.  (Doesn’t that feel a bit shocking now?).

Some of the callers were horrible and others were lovely, just like in life.  I had the opportunity to solve problems, and when I did that well it felt great.  I felt great.  I feel sorry for ‘customer service agents’ now, because I don’t think they get the opportunity to feel great all that often.  I don’t think their customers do, either.

This is a rambly rant more than anything else, but it could also be a valuable tip for start-up businesses.

Have real people do the customer-servicing, make them easy to contact, and you’ll probably clean up.