Prefer not to hear about Mother’s Day?

My inbox is currently groaning with people asking me this question.  I’m not exaggerating here: in the past month I’ve had over 50 messages from concerned companies who know that Mother’s Day can be “a difficult time.” (Or “A DIFFICULT TIME”, just in case the point hadn’t quite sunk in).

If I’d rather not receive their Mother’s Day-related emails, they tell me, they would totally understand if I opted out.

I mean… how very gracious of them.

It’ll happen again very soon, as Father’s Day rears its ugly head in June. (Doesn’t that sound like the first line of a poem?) The pointless shittery of it all makes me sigh very deeply inside.

Just how often will you be contacting me about Mother’s Day, anyway?

If you feel the actual need to ask whether I’d like to opt out of your sugary, high-pitched Mummy or Daddy’s Day emails, it makes me wonder just how many you were planning to send.  It’s way too needy, and in the case of Mother’s Day, way too pink.

(If you are a mother, then you will like pink and you will like flowers.  Preferably pink flowers.  You will have no choice in the matter).

I’d imagine even people with real live, fully-functioning mothers get tired of hearing about Mother’s Day more than just the once each year.

Why are you emailing to remind me of how difficult Mother’s Day can be, so you can shield me from how difficult Mother’s Day can be?  It makes ZERO sense.

I have no idea how these emails – written in a clear attempt to stop people with dead or shitty family members (I assume that’s a pretty high number) from unsubscribing just before Mother’s or Father’s Day – caught on.

But somehow they did, and the world’s a stinkier place for it.

Don’t tempt me.

“Don’t worry, you’ll still hear from us if you opt out of our Mother’s Day emails!”

Have you ever worried about not hearing from a company whose emails you only signed up to for a one-off discount, then couldn’t be arsed to unsubscribe from afterwards?

Me neither.  It’s like when someone trills “Sorry I haven’t posted for a while!” on social media, as though hordes of people were crying into their phones, unable to cope.

Sorry loves, but you’re just not that important.

(Although as this wonderful piece of prose shows, sometimes it’s worth staying on for Mother’s Day.  Just to see how idiotic those emails can get).

(in a Meryl Streep voice) “Pastels in spring? Groundbreaking”.